Bruce Toews (masterofmusings) wrote,
Bruce Toews

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I wish I were better at expressing myself during these times of depression. Everyone around me wants an exciting life. Everyone's of the "the grass is always greener on the other side" philosophy. I am not. I want security. That doesn't mean I don't want to move forward in life, I just want the framework I'm moving in to be defined. I want to know what my basic circumstances in life will be in a year, in five years, in ten years. There was a time when I thought that a relationship and eventual marriage were just the ticket. I've come to accept the conclusion that this is not so. What do I want? Stability. I want happiness. That happiness doesn't come from any one person, it comes from God, ultimately, or rather, joy comes from Him. I have that joy. It's that joy which keeps me alive from day to day. But happiness? No. Am I happier than I was a year ago? Two years ago? Three, four? I think so. Yet sometimes I find myself sitting here, thinking back to when I was at CNIB, fuming over the uncertainty of the job situation, and so on, and I look on that with a totally inexplicable fondness. I don't get that at all. I know that relationships and marriage are not the answer. I know that the most wonderful family and friends in the world help, but are in and of themselves not the answer. I know that the world if full of people who are worse off than me and I've no right to complain. I know all these things, but what does one do when the knowledge that I should be happier than I am does not compute? Is it just another "the grass is always greener" variant? But I don't even know where that fence is with all the green grass on the other side of it. I want something ... but what?

  • Topic for Discussion

    Okay, here's one. What do you do if you suddenly "wake up" to realizing that the approval of other people has suddenly - or not-so-suddenly - become…

  • Point to Ponder

    Is it possible for something to be true, and for the opposite to be true as well at the same time and in the same place? Give examples, if it is.

  • Pressing, Earth-Shattering Question

    How do you copyright a calendar? I mean, how can you claim copyright on a calenar? If it were a photo calendar, or tactile equivalent, then maybe I'd…

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