July 15th, 2007

Bruce, Caroline


I wish I were better at expressing myself during these times of depression. Everyone around me wants an exciting life. Everyone's of the "the grass is always greener on the other side" philosophy. I am not. I want security. That doesn't mean I don't want to move forward in life, I just want the framework I'm moving in to be defined. I want to know what my basic circumstances in life will be in a year, in five years, in ten years. There was a time when I thought that a relationship and eventual marriage were just the ticket. I've come to accept the conclusion that this is not so. What do I want? Stability. I want happiness. That happiness doesn't come from any one person, it comes from God, ultimately, or rather, joy comes from Him. I have that joy. It's that joy which keeps me alive from day to day. But happiness? No. Am I happier than I was a year ago? Two years ago? Three, four? I think so. Yet sometimes I find myself sitting here, thinking back to when I was at CNIB, fuming over the uncertainty of the job situation, and so on, and I look on that with a totally inexplicable fondness. I don't get that at all. I know that relationships and marriage are not the answer. I know that the most wonderful family and friends in the world help, but are in and of themselves not the answer. I know that the world if full of people who are worse off than me and I've no right to complain. I know all these things, but what does one do when the knowledge that I should be happier than I am does not compute? Is it just another "the grass is always greener" variant? But I don't even know where that fence is with all the green grass on the other side of it. I want something ... but what?
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