Bruce Toews (masterofmusings) wrote,
Bruce Toews

Small Cars, Hard Heads

Hi everyone,

It's been quite some time since I've actually written an update here, so maybe I'm about due. Or should that be overdue.

First of all, one of the few truly bright points in my life continues to be Caroline, kittytech. It's been over a year and a half now since she and I became a couple. In that time, my love for her has only grown, as has my respect for her integrity and my wish that she could have the queen's life she deserves. She is so selfless, so caring, ... She's just wonderful.

Unfortunately, many other areas of my life remain a struggle. I think back to the time when I thought that being in a happy relationship would be the solution to all my problems. No one need tell me now how naïve that notion was. But I feel, far too often, on the verge of being pushed beyond the breaking poing by life and by circumstance. I need a major, tangible, palpable break in my life. I need a few months of worry-free breathing room, and I need it fast.

I'm starting to notice things about myself I'm not especially proud of. I have traditionally not been a vengeful person. I do not believe that revenge solves anything or gives you anything other than short-term adrenaline-based satisfaction that wears off very quickly. Yet while I believe this, while I still believe this, I am finding myself drooling over imagining getting revenge at those who have hurt me or are hurting me. I want to hurt them back the way they've hurt me, and I'm thinking it would feel so incredibly good to do it. Of course I know this is futile, of course I know it's un-christian, and of course I know I'd hate myself to no end if I were to actually go through with it, but the prospect most certainly pleases, and I find myself having to fight it. To my fellow Christinas, please pray that I do not give in to this irrational thinking.

My old roommate's mother was hospitalized on Monday with what appears to be a minor stroke. She went back home yesterday. My prayers are with this kind, giving, caring woman, Mrs. Stahn, and her family.

Well, that's it, I suppose. I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth, and I know I've been worse than horrible at following my friends' entries lately. If you're a Christian, please pray for me. If you're not, your good thoughts, wishes, and/or prayers mean a great deal to me and are appreciated.

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded