Bruce Toews (masterofmusings) wrote,
Bruce Toews
masterofmusings

Depression

I know people don't like negativity, so I won't blame you if you skip over this entry, but one of the purposes for LJ is so that you can write out your feelings, and I'm hoping doing so as honestly as I can will be therapeutic for me.

This just hasn't been a very good year. Yes, some very good things have happened, and I am profoundly grateful for those good things, don't get me wrong. However ...

I'm feeling that the world is much quicker at, and happier with, telling us about our faults and shortcomings rather than about any good we might have in us. I'm no exception ... though I'm trying very hard to work on that, because I'm realizing the effect constant negative reinforcement can have. I'm not singling anyone out here. Certainly, a major positive reinforce in my life has been, and is, technolass. But so many people just seem to make it their mission in life to point out the faults of others, and I think that I have traditionally been one such person. Must change that, Bruce, you must change that.

Also getting me down a great deal is the issue of bus service between Winnipeg and Fargo: there is none. It was a wonderful way for Caroline and me to get together, and they cut the service effective October 7. So now we're looking for a way to get Caroline up to Winnipeg for Christmas, and it's not easy. For her to come up by plane would cost around $900. We can't find anyone who would be willing to drive from Winnipeg to Fargo to pick her up, especially at this time of the year. There is no train service at any price.

Then there's the weather. For some reason, the coming winter has me a lot more depressed this year than usual, perhaps because it's hit so hard already.

So here I sit, very depressed, wishing for some kind of a good break to come my way. I have a doctor's appointment tonight, and I hate those ... not because I don't like my doctor, he's the best and a terrific guy, I'm just afraid of goig in there and hearing things I don't want to hear.

I want a few months where I can coast, where things go my way, or at least neutrally, with no crises. I feel as though I must somehow be a very bad person, unkind and selfish. All the negativity in my life must somehow be my own fault. Today is not a good day.
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